The Awesome Adventures of Hugo Brass and Friends!
by Jack Moriarty
Summary: "We all know the story of of Sonic and his friends, but what of the more obscure characters? Join Hugo Brass and his squad as they secretly save the world single-handedly... or so they think." PS: this was written before Hugo made his Gloryous return in the sonic comic.


**Chapter 1: The Insanity Begins**

**Uploader's Note:** M00jinator and I both wrote this, he had to remove it from the site for unknown reasons but has given it to me (Jack Moriarty) with permission to re-upload it. So from me and M00jinator to you, enjoy.

**Author's Note:**Greetings everyone! What you are about to read is my very first Sonic the Hedgehog related fanfiction that's based in the Archieverse of things (so I'd reccommend that if you hate that fact then you should probably find a different story to read). The insanity you're about to read is a tale originally spawned from the twisted depths of my mind in an attempt to combat writers block, so that I may move on to other projects. With a little help from an equally twisted mind from my friend, Grayson, we've succeeded in writing a story that we hope will bring out a cheaply earned chuckle or laugh from the pure stupidty contained. **However, please note that this whole fanfiction was written as a JOKE and is NOT meant to be taken seriously.** Again, this story is based in the Sonic the Hedgehog comic Archieverse and requires a basic knowedge of the poor forgotten human characters that no one cares about from it. (Hugo Brass and the guys from Paladin-Team Sigma-Alpha 2).

This random story shall look into the fate of one of the said forgotten comic book characters, and how he's coping with pretty much being written out of the Archie Sonic storyline. Those with low randomness tolerance, begone, whilst the insane readers among us should continue. I shall start us of with some sense and end with some, but thats all the "normal-ness" you're getting. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take my meds after writing this mess. I would appreciate reviews should you feel inclined to do so at the end, but I wouldn't try to make sense of this tale in any way.

_**WARNING:**_**EXTREME NONESENSE.**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing in this fanfiction. Sonic the Hedgehog as well as some comic characters belong to Sega and Archie Comics, whilst all the other crap I reference each belong to their own seperate owners and not to me...easier to say that I own absolutely NOTHING in this story.

The night was calm in the human city of Station Square, save for the noises and lights coming from it's hippest joint, Casinopolis. A short mysterious figure stood outside, his face and body concealed by a dark cloak. Soon the stranger headed his way inside with the intent of finding one human in particular, G.U.N. Commander Hugo Brass. Once inside, the stranger scanned the room for his contact as nearby humans and overlanders gave the newcomer queer looks. Ignoring them, the stranger found who he was looking for and headed towards the bar, taking a seat beside a disgruntled, large and disgruntled-looking man.

"Hugo Brass?" The stranger asked. The man turned slowly to the newcomer beside him, only now aware of his presence. The man had dark blue-black hair with a rough, spiky beard and sickly pale complexion. After letting out a large belch smelling thickly of alcohol, he finally responded.

"Yeah," He drooled ,"*hic* tha's me. Ex guns comma-*hic*der and now simple stratergerizer or what ever that *hic* is. Wuzzit to you's?"

"I've been sent here by the Freedom Fighters for our meeting. Some message from you stating that you have some vital intel on how to win the war with the Eggman Empire. Though I must ask…" The strangers gaze went from Hugo to the many empty glasses of alcohol, "What happened to you? Didn't you like, I dunno, used to be… different?"

After blankly staring at the stranger for a few seconds, Hugo's confused expression suddenly turned to cheer. "Oh yeah! Your that one guy from the place I *hic* sent fors!" He burst out in a short fit of drunken laughter, getting awkward looks from nearby patrons and gamblers, "Yous know what happened to poor Brass? Well basically *hic* them over Landers yous saved came all up in here n' *hic* started takin up jobs. Then this Abraham Lincoln or whatever guy *hic* comes to the military and due to some favors and his past as some successful leader in some war thing he rose in ranks and purty much took my job after some Ian Flynn feller decided to not write me into the *hic* comicsh. Then them Archie artists couldn't *hic* decide to make me white or black so I decided to get drunk n' pale of some drinksh. Ands don't getsh me started on them Team Dark robots and them damn *hic* furry people who replaced the Sigma-Alphas…"

"I'm sorry," The stranger interrupted mid-rant, utterly confused, "I have no clue what you're talking about but whatever that is its no what I'm interested in. What I am interested in is this supposed intel or plan you have to stop Eggman."

Suddenly more focused, Hugo Brass seemed to sober up slightly and showed a wide smile. "Sorry 'bout that. I forgot I wasn't supposed to break any number four walls or something. Anyways, here's awesome plan to win the war and get my career back!" His voice grew louder, attracting a small crowd of curious bystanders. "Well my dear mobian friend, sit tight as I tell the tale of how I, Hugo Brass, will bravely and boldly lead a allied tactical strike on the fat bald guy…"

This was it. The big showdown between good and evil. Hugo Brass and his squad of super L33T MLG soldiers of ownage 'Paladin Team Sigma-Alpha 2'were each riding on top of their own mobian suicide dragon towards Eggmans evil pleasure tower of slavery in order to conquer and destroy everything egg-related. They were still several minutes out from where their allies were already attacking in a vain attempt to save the world.

"Alright boys," Hugo exclaimed from his mouth hole from on top of his dragon, "everyone sound off!"

"Honch!" Some blond guy shouted.

"Spike!" The anime guy shouted.

"Rico!" The black guy shouted.

"Unnamed NPC Leader!" Some dude with goggles shouted.

"Unnamed NPC Trooper!" That guy with gelled hair and a thin moustache shouted.

"Yeah okay stop." Hugo ordered. All at once the squad and their suicide dragons stopped in mid-air. "Look I don't care if the comics didn't give you two names, in my fantasy we need easier call signs. You," he pointed at the goggles dude, "your name will be… Sergeant Boreale."

"Cool name, but must we reference that awful 40k general?" Boreale whined. "Hey, I'm not whining! Don't write that!" He cried like a little b****.

"Hey I said no more fourth wall breaking! Now as for you," he pointed at the random remaining NPC, "Your name will be… Private Ramirez."

"Is that another dumb reference?" Ramirez inquired.

"W-what? No, not at all! Why would you say that? Why is that a bad thing?" Hugo stammered. "Yeah well I order you to not say anything anymore Ramirez. Look now that that's out of the way can we focus on my super awesome plan to get back my career in G.U.N?"

"FINE JEEZ." Boreale said in an awesome voice.

"Alright then, Let's do it to it!" Hugo shouted as their suicide dragons exploded into speed towards the pleasure tower.

"Hey that's my battle cry!" Sonic cried from the battlefield.

"Yeah well its mine now. Pwnt." Hugo bragged. Sonic then buried himself in ground where the battle was in shame, thinking to himself _wow I am for dumb_.

"Aw crap." Tails cried out "Sonic has taken a 'dirt nap'." A badum-tish was heard.

"Merde! We are with ze being of ze doomed!" Antoine cried out in fear.

"Some one save us because we are sooo helpless!" Bunnie and Sally exclaimed.

"Don't worry, my furry friends! Humanity is here to SAAAAVE THE WOOOORLD!" Hugo and his squad shouted in unison whilst doing a cliché arms in the air anime pose. They made their suicide dragons crash into the incoming horde of Dark Egg Legion cyborgs and supporting robots, making all their heads explode in a bloodily over the top fashion. Hugo and his squad then activated their hidden jet-packs and flew over the enemy army firing whilst firing off their twin flaming miniguns.

"Man these weapons are HOT!" Honch said.

"The lady cyborgs will MELT at the sight of my guns!" Rico said also.

"Man I am on FIRE!" Spike added in.

"Let's add some FLARE to their lives!" Boreale continued.

"Okay enough with the puns. Ramirez!" Hugo called out suddenly, "Go punch out the enemy battle-mechs!"

Ramirez nodded and put his miniguns in his pockets and flew towards a bunch of 1000 ft tall battle mechs and punched through their legs and causing them explode. Flaming shrapnel flew out and made more legionnaire heads explode in a needlessly violent fashion.

"Ramirez! Grab a shotgun and pwn some noobs!" Hugo ordered soon after because he was too cool no to.

Then suddenly giant rotten egg bombs were fired from the pleasure tower and exploded in gassy, melting, exploding gas…nes. Seeing this everyone, except for Boreale and Spike for no reason, jetpack-flipped away backwards towards their objective somehow whilst doing the matrix in the air to dodge lasers. Seeing impending doom, Ramirez dove behind Boreale and shouted at him.

"Command-er I mean Seragent Boreale! Enemy bombs in our perimeter!"

"WHEH?" He inquired rather dumbly.

"Right in front of us, but they're moving at dangerously yet dramatically slow speeds!" Spike replied.

"WHEH?" He inquired again like some kind of stupids.

"I just said where! Must we go though with this reference?" Spike shouted in frustration.

"WHEH?"

"…Current location unknown." And with that Spike decided to be smart and flew away.

"Then there's time to be lost! BATTL-" Boreale was cut off by being ownificated by the slow egg bombs and fell over dead.

"Oh well," Hugo said. "He was just a random NPC. He'll respawn later. Onward!"

"Help us!" Some emo voice cried. Using turbo-speed on their jetpacks, they all flew over to the base of the pleasure tower to see Team Dark getting their asses kicked by baby legionnaires.

"BABIES!" Rico cried out in a heavy voice and unloaded his miniguns at their tiny little baby torsos. The babies were owned so hard that they were teleported into a paedophilic dimension of evil-baby rapists lead by Family Guy's Herbert, never to be heard from again. Afterwards Hugo and friends turned to Team Dark to see if they were okay even though they were too cool to care.

"HAVE MY BABIES!" Rouge yelled seductively. "BABIES!" Rico cried in response, punching Rouge unnecessarily hard in the face causing her to de-evolve into a fruit bat before flying away.

"I have calculated that you guys have bigger guns than us." Omega

"Wow," Shadow said rather depressingly, "You're much cooler and badasser than me!"

"You might even say… WAY PAST COOL?" Honch said in a hedgehog-like voice. Somehow hearing that last phrase, Sonic burrowed himself deeper into the ground in pure shame and stupidity thinking to himself, _I am still for stupids._

Suddenly, Eggman's Pleasure Tower started to become all pink and smoky with super evil stuff.

"Lolwut?" Hugo inquired intelligently.

"Yeah, we and the Freedom Fighters totally failed to stop Eggman from sacrificing a bunch of anime schoolgirls to Cthulu at the top of the Pleasure Tower 'cause we suck or something." Shadow said darkly, then proceeded to go cry in a shadowy corner.

"Does this mean we have to fight Cthulu now?" Spike asked. Then M Bison from the Street Fighters movie (damn that movie) came out of nowhere and yelled "OF COURSE!" then exploded into fairy dust. Wasting no more time than there already has, Hugo and friends used the last of their jetpack fuel to blast off to the top of the tower and throught the evil pink smoke.

"GOTTA JUICE KIDS!" Hugo shouted. Still somehow hearing this Sonic burrowed himself into the center of the Earth thinking; _Herp derp._

"Yes boss, lets juice like this bottle of Sunny D!" Honch said whilst taking out and drinking a bottle of said substance. "You just can't match the power-packed taste of Sunny D!" Everyone in the squad stared at him, confused. "What? I'm getting us paid for this advertisement."

They finally reached the top of the tower and got past the evil pink stuff just as a sudden thunder tornado storm surrounded the spire, making everything all epic like. Looking at the center they saw Eggman being phat whilst laughing at them. "Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! You're too late! All the anime schoolgirls have been sacrificed to Cthulu and he shall soon be here! In the meantime I shall use these Chaos Emeralds that I conveniently found on the ground to super-charge my moustache to cosmic proportions to kill you!" He looked among the group. "Waitaminute, where's Sonic? Isn't he like the only guy I fight against and the only guy who can really beat me?"

"He kinda went emo 'cause I decided to be awesome and steal his quotes." Hugo replied.

"Oh… well in that case, GET A LOAD OF THIS!" Chaos Emeralds suddenly appeared and Eggman's moustache glowed green, soon growing to mammoth proportions. Hugo and his squad tried to unload their miniguns at it, but the hair was too thick and all their ammo was wasted. Glowing clumps of facial hair lashed out and smacked everyone across their faces.

"What do we do, boss?" Spike shouted.

"Simple, we take out our army-issued MACH THREE TURBOS SHAVERS!" Hugo shouted. All at once they brought out their CQC shaving weapons.

"Come on, seriously?" Eggman complained, "This is just stupid."

"No you." Hugo retorted, enraging Eggman as he lashed out with his righteous moustache. They fought valiantly and shaved off much hair, but there was simply too much and soon they were all disarmed, save for Ramirez, and wrapped in greasy magic hair.

"Ramirez! Last shave, make it count!" Hugo shouted. Turning the razor on 'automatic', Ramirez took aim and threw it at Eggmans pants, shaving them off and revealing his undies.

"What the hell does that accomplish?" Eggman yelled in embarassment and confusion. Ramirez simply used his free hand to point behind Eggman, making him turn around only to see Liberty Prime standing there.

"COMMUNIST DETECTED ON AMERICAN SOIL! LETHAL FORCE ENGAGED!" The giant robot shouted as he charge his lazor. Eggman looked down at his underwear only to realize too late that he was wearing undies with a communist red star on them.

"FFFFFFUUUUUUUUU-" Eggman's last words were cut off as Liberty Prime disintegrated him by firing his lazor. The giant robot then flew off to china to destroy everything out of prejudice as the Chaos Emeralds dropped to the ground. Hugo and friends were released as the chaos hair disappeared and they all turned to Ramirez.

"How did you know that would work?" Spike asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" Hugo answered for them, "All dictators wear Stalin-issued communist undies!"

Suddenly the dimensional portal opened up and Chuck Norris fell out and collapsed in front of them. He slowly tried to pick himself up, then looked at Hugo before saying, "Cthulu is too evil for even I to handle. It's all up to you to be more awesome than me, Hugo." Then Chuck Norris imploded on himself. Immediately after this blasphemous tragedy occurred, Cthulu in all his insanity-causing tentacle faced horror jumped out of the portal. Before they could react, Cthulu snatched up Ramirez and nommed on him with his tentacle teeth.

"Uh, sir? What now?" Rico asked.

"I dunno, let me think…" Hugo then sat down and put on cool-face while he sat back and planned everything whilst leaving his squad for Cthulu. Immediately Cthulu used his ugly face to make the troopers go insane with images of never-ending Youtube Poops. Hugo then quickly dashed for the Chaos Emeralds during this distraction and gathered them in his arms.

"Now I shall go super and kick your face back to… Stupid… Land!" Hugo shouted out unnecessarily. Then the emeralds engulfed him with really shiny power glow stuff, causing him to transform into Captain Falcon. "Show me your moves!" Super Hugo/Captain Falcon taunted. Cthulu tried to nom Captain Falcon, but was simply Falcon Punched in the face all the way back to the portal.

After the boringly one-sided battle the portal and Hugo reverted, and the world became normal around them. By this time the Freedom Fighters, Team Dark, and Sigma-Alpha team were all back up at the top of the tower and cheered for their hero, Hugo. Then a bunch of G.U.N helicopters appeared, dropping off President Obama and G.U.N Commander Abraham Tower.

"Good job, Hugo!" The President praised, "In recognition of your l33t skillz, I hereby make you G.U.N General and dishonourably discharge our current Commander for not being as cool as you."

"I are for fails." The Commander whined, then jumped off the towers edge to commit suicide.

"And seeing how much cooler Sigma-Alpha 2 team was, we hereby disband Team Dark to let them take their place!" The President continued.

"Well, time to go be emo someplace." Shadow announced to his team.

"But my wrists don't cut well!" Omega complained.

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhut your MOUTH." Shadow retorted, and proceeded to teleport to Hot Topic with Omega.

Then Sally walked up to Hugo "And in recognition of your badassery, the citizens of knothole would like to declare you Hero-Who's-Totally-Cooler-And-Handsomer-Than-Sonic!"

"And I accept all of this!" Hugo replied happily. Then suddenly Sonic's molten corpse shot out of the Earth's core and landed in front of everyone at the tower.

"Looks like Sonic's goose is cooked!" Tails quipped. Another badum-tish was heard.

"Everyone cheer for Hugo the Winrar!" President Obama ordered.

"HUGO'S THE WINRAR!" Everyone cheered. Then Hugo blacked out.

The Casino bar was a mess as local police officers tried to clean up the damage Ex-G.U.N Commander Hugo Brass caused. There was an assortment of smashed tables, drinks, liqour, and puke pretty much all over the place as authorities investigated and cleaned everything up.

During the course of Hugo's "plan" he ended up attempting to act it out for the Stranger and fellow patrons, which led him to be swinging and jumping onto all sorts of things whilst chugging down as much booze as possible. Angered bartenders tried to subdue Hugo in his drunken state, but were unable to get to close due to him flailing his arms around like a psychopath. So instead they called the cops, who then came in and tazed the man until he went unconscious.

An ambulance arrived soon after and took the subdued Hugo in for blood tests. Once everything was under control again the officers approached the Stranger. "Were you with this man?" One of them asked.

"…Unfortunately, yeah." The Stranger replied.

"Were you aware that he had, according to these blood tests, done over 90 pounds of cocaine and had a blood alcohol level of 30.2? I'm surprised he ain't dead"

"Nope. I actually just got here when he sent for me all the way from Knothole with important information regarding the war effort, but it would seem he's too high and drunk to remember any of that…"

"If he even HAD any such plan to begin with." The officer said sarcastically. "Anyways, Knothole, you say? What's your name, stranger?"

"The one and only Sonic the Hedgehog!" Sonic announced.

"Ah, I see! Well everything checks out, sir, so you may be on your way." And with that the officer left to his cop-car as Hugo was cuffed and stuffed inside it, soon driven away. Watching it disappear around the street corner, Sonic took off his pointless cloak and spoke into a small device on his wrist.

"Hey, Tails?"

"Yeah Sonic?" a voice replied.

"Turns out the intel was bogus. It was just some poor old forgotten character lost in a sea stories trying to reach out to us. Got the Tornado ready for departure?"

"Yep!"

"Sweet. Be there in a sonic second." And with that he cut communications, but before dashing off, Sonic slowly turned to the audience (you, duh), and sighed. "Remember kids; drugs and alcohol are NO GOOD!" He said, then blasted off in a Sonic Boom to go home, away from forgotten comic characters with no futures.

THE END


End file.
